The Dogs Did Not Act Alone
Last night the dogs murdered Cutie McGoo, our beloved Elf on the Shelf, who has visited our family every Holiday season for the past eight years. They demolished him, not in a cute we can stitch his legs back on way, but in a brutal little plastic head torn in two mob-style slaying.
You have to understand how much the granddaughters love Cutie, to fully grasp the tragedy of the event. Cutie is the first thing they look for every morning. They write notes to Cutie almost every day. They behave for six whole weeks because Cutie is watching. And yes, I’ve even had to make mini pancakes for Cutie.
Luckily, the girls were sleeping when the attack took place. Nichole and I quickly jumped into the car to buy another. You haven’t lived until you’ve trekked through a snowy Wal-Mart parking lot at 10:00 at night in search of an elf.
A month ago, the shelves were full of elves. We had to steer Zoe away from the isle because she was asking too many questions about why there were elves in a store. Everyone knows elves come from the North Pole. However, on December 12th the stores are completely sold out. After racing through a Wal-Mart and two Targets we finally found some at Toys R Us. Did you know Toys R Us is open until midnight? Good information, but I hope to never need to use it again.
The problem was they only had girl elves. Now, I am a big supporter of equal rights for women, but Cutie is definitely a boy elf. He’s been dating multiple Barbies over the years. And just yesterday, had his last date ever with a ceramic mermaid. I’m getting tears in my eyes just thinking of it. I would have made him pancakes, if only I had known.
How do we explain the switch from boy to girl? I suggested we go the “Call me Caitlyn” route, but Nichole has no sense of humor in the middle of the night. She thought the whole transgender issue might be a bit much for a five-year old. She will most likely invent an emergency at the North Pole excuse.
So back to my conspiracy theory. This morning, I find the new elf is on the floor. The cat has dragged her from the table with her elf notes and across the room to the top of the stairs, where she sits waiting to tempt the dogs. I know the cat did it because the dogs have an air-tight alibi. They were in jail. They were locked up immediately after the murder. So now I’m wondering… Did the dogs act alone? Or was the cat involved?
Tiger–my nemesis–I’m watching you.